Realistically speaking, there’s a lot more crappy superhero movies out there than there are good ones. For every “Spiderman” that hits theatres there are decades full of movies like “Steel,” “The Phantom,” and even “Condorman.” I feel like I'm qualified to comment on this subject since I've seen all of them, even part of the made for TV movie "Nick Fury: Agent of Shield" (Starring David Hasselhoff, seriously), and I've seen some of them way too man times. I've seen Batman Begins so often that its dialogue consistently finds a way into my daily interactions. For instance a few weeks ago I was leading kids through push-ups and sit-ups in one of my various teaching responsibilities when a kid ran in late. I asked him if he was ready to do his exercises so that he could join us playing wiffleball, and when he said, "I just rode my bike all the way here, I can barely move," I yelled, "Death does not wait for you to be ready!" Ra's al Ghul doesn't tolerate that sissy crap, and neither do I.
So because I'm one of the biggest dork in this particular dorky field, I have come up with the following list of suggestions of how to improve the quality of superhero movies. This will be a long post and will hopefully inspire some sweet nerd arguments in the comments section, like whether or not Spider-Man could beat up the Hulk, or if Superman could ever actually shave his super-strong whiskers with a feeble earth razor. And let me promise you that as soon as this list gets noticed and appreciated by some Hollywood big-wigs, I'll give each of you a cameo in my directorial debut, "Green Lantern Concludes." Here we go…
TOP SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVING SUPERHERO MOVIES
Tell one about the bad guys!-
What's really missing from all of these new super-powered movies is the bad guys' point of view. I mean let's face it- most everyone prefers a movie about a REALLY bad guy to a movie about a REALLY good guy- it's why we've all seen "Silence of the Lambs" two or three times, but none of us have once rented "Ghandi" in the last ten years. So then why not a flick from the perspective of the evil genius: why not make a "Goodfellas"-esq movie about the Legion of Doom featuring Bizzaro-Superman as the main character? I've even got the first line to the movie picked out, "As far back as me can remember, me always wanted to be a supervillian."
Make a movie about the Joker and one of his rampaging crime sprees through Gotham. Make a movie about Magneto and how he's able to kill people with their own dental fillings. Make a movie about the complex life of the zombie Solomon Grundy who, when he's not robbing banks with the Injustice Society, must feed on the brains of the living to assuage his zombie appetite!! Make a villain movie, but please, don't make a sequel to "Catwoman."Find someone else to play "Superman"-
Instead of finding an actor who looks like Christopher Reeve, why not get someone who looks the part of Superman? I mean, when they were making the Superman movies in the early 80's, they didn't pick someone who looked like George Reeves from the old Superman shows, otherwise they would have ended up with one of the Baldwin brothers as the Man of Steel. I totally understand and agree that the details of Christopher Reeves's life and family are tragic, but so were the last mysterious days of George Reeves, and you don't see any sort of nod to him. In fact the sad irony is that the only tribute he DOES get on the bigscreen is a movie about his life later this year, with Ben Affleck portraying him. Of course Ben Affleck already proved that he is incapable of playing the part of a superhero, so unless he'll also make a brief cameo as Chuckie from "Good Will Hunting," I'm sure it will barely be a tribute at all.
Let's not misunderstand though, the new Superman couldn't possibly be the worst representation of Superman- that honor goes to Dean Cain who played him in the "Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman" and looked more like Squiggy from "Laverne and Shirley" (or possibly the retarded, seldom mentioned, FIFTH Baldwin brother) than the last son of Krypton. The problem with this new guy is just that he looks like a pansy. Yes, he's tall and athletic and handsome, but so are figure skaters and male ballerinas. You want Superman to be massive and imposing (because c'mon, HE'S SUPERMAN!!!); being comfortable in a male leotard just simply isn't enough. Obviously it isn't easy to find someone who fits all of the criteria, but the least they could do is put someone out there who makes us all lie and say, "Hey cool, I always thought that guy would make a good Superman ever since I saw him in 'Last of the Mohicans.'" Maybe they could use the dude from "King Arthur," or Dirty Steve from "Young Guns. I would consider casting WWF superstar, The Rock, as Superman just to show that truth, justice, and the American way even applies to African-Samoan-Canadians. And if, as I suspect, the chore of picking the perfect Superman is just too difficult, then just use a computer to add him in like they did with the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park. On a related note, don't you think Superman could totally beat the crap out of a herd of velociraptors?
A New Spin on Heroes-
Personally, I ‘d like to see Superhero movies going to filmmakers who AREN’T known for making summer action-blockbusters- just to shake things up. Now that I’ve seen “Ray,” and “Walk the Line,” I’m convinced that the next great superhero movie will be a gritty biography about Black Lightning and his tough childhood in Suicide Slum. I think the dude who directed “Trainspotting” could probably make a pretty cool movie adaptation of Captain America, granted that Captain America was trying to kick a heroine addiction and sat around all day smoking cigarettes. And as much as I hate Quentin Tarantino, it might be nice to see two members of the Justice League having a conversation about how a quarter pounder with cheese isn’t called a quarter pounder with cheese in Metropolis.
Take the “Incredible Hulk” for example. Even though that movie absolutely sucked (the best part is when that frog blew up in the gamma wave) it was nice to see someone trying to do something different with the superheroes. The movie ended up being weird and very boring, but because it tried something a little different it earned a special place in my heart among superhero movies (it’s the one I fall asleep to) and I’m eternally grateful that Ang Lee’s other story about a forbidden love between two macho men never found it’s way into his depiction of the split lives of David Banner and the big green goliath. “HULK DON’T KNOW HOW TO QUIT YOU!!!”
So there you have it. Sure, I may not have all the answers, but I know that a movie about the Legion of Doom would be gangbusters. But I have to go now, these old copies of “Judge Dredd” aren’t going to watch themselves.
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